Epistle #38: “My Whole Heart”

Dear St. Paul friends,

I am continually amazed by how knowing something in your brain does not equate to knowing something in your heart.

I’ve been learning about this sentence my entire life, and here it comes at me once again.  I am faced with the truth that I must leave all that is known to me and head into the unknown.  My head told me it would pursue a great adventure.  My heart thought it would hurt to leave.  My head told me I would be sad to leave this beautiful small town and all the wonderful people in it.  My heart agreed.  My head told me that I was ready to move forward in my life.  My heart thought it would be glad and prepared to take on the challenge.  Today I see that my head was indeed correct and I am ready to pursue a great adventure and I am sad to leave my small town and all the people in it.  However, I am unprepared for the depth of knowing in my heart.  My heart breaks with leaving, it trembles with both excitement and fear of the unknown and is oddly strengthened and filled with trepidation over the challenge ahead.  I thought I logically understood in my brain how this move would feel, but failed to know my heart.  I find myself stunned with the knowing of leaving in my heart, unable to truly process what this will mean and grieving.

Conversely I spent my youth understanding God in my brain as best I could, but somehow the older and more knowledgeable I became, the less my heart knew God.  I am perhaps too literal and struggle with the mysteries of faith.  I discovered that the bible talks about the whole heart, and found that I should consider it a journey to love and know God with my whole heart, rather than feeling as if somehow I was falling short never quite feeling like I’d achieved some “whole heart” status or level of belief.  Perhaps it is in the seeking where we learn the most, about both our world and ourselves.  You have all given me so much in so many different ways, but mostly you have affirmed my faith, and I thank you very much for helping me continue my journey for and with my whole heart.

So after all this, I’m left with love – in my whole heart.  The love and respect I feel for you and your communion with God and each other.  Thank you for sharing your love and faith with me.


Mark 12:30

you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.”


Psalm 119:2

“Happy are those who keep his decrees,
who seek him with their whole heart,”


And finally I’ll leave you with this wonderful quote that Brenda Hollingsworth sent to me the other day.  Several months ago when my husband, Mike asked me if he could look for work in the Pacific Northwest I should have remembered this great line in the opening scenes of The Hobbit, An Unexpected Adventure. Gandalf the wizard is inviting a Hobbit named Bilbo Baggins to come away on an adventure. Bilbo, who turns out to be an unlikely hero, says, “No thank you. Adventures are nasty business…they make you late for dinner.”





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